Spot The Difference

….or How To Get Your Big Name Signing.

Back Page Football takes a look at the eerie similarities between innocent “more than a club” Barcelona and Real “we step on puppies for fun” Madrid.

Step 1.

Get said transfer to announce his desire to remain at his current club.

Cristiano Ronaldo:

“I’m no longer thinking of Madrid. That dream is dead. I am very happy [at Manchester United]. I want to stay here and I am very focused on winning the Champions League.”

Cesc Fabregas:

“We don’t need to talk about my future. I don’t understand all the rumours about me. I’ve always said that I’m happy at Arsenal.”

Step 2.

Undo Step 1 and make the player issue a come-and-get-me plea, making him look like a dishonest twat to his former fans.

Cristiano Ronaldo:

“Yes, I would like to play for Real Madrid. That’s the truth, depending on what they are willing to spend on me and what Manchester United ask.”

Cesc Fabregas:

“I think I would like to go to Barcelona, whether or not they want me is another thing.”

Step 3.

Get an international and prospective team mate to urge your transfer target to come join him.


“For now, [Ronaldo] has to be respectful to Manchester United, like I am to Madrid, but I believe that sooner or later he will come. I think he wants to come here, and he has shown that.”


“It is criminal for a player of Cesc’s quality not to be winning the biggest prizes in football. He really has no choice but to leave. He is making the right decision.”

Step 4.

Repeat Step 3.

Ruud Van Nistelrooy:

“One day Ronaldo will join us. This could happen next summer, or the one after.”

Gerard Pique:

“I am convinced that Cesc will come here. I am enjoying the best years of my life and my career here and I think that’s why Cesc wants to come. He would fit in well. I found it impossible to resist a return to Barcelona.”

Step 5.

Get one of your transfer target’s parents to push the deal through. Saying it is their dying wish is optional.

Cristiano Ronaldo’s Mother:

“Of all the foreign clubs, Real Madrid is the best. Before I die I would like him to play for Real Madrid. I would really like that and then I could die, it wouldn’t matter.”

Cesc Fabregas’ Father:

“Cesc is now concentrated on the national team, but he wants the closure ofthe signing soon. I’m not sure how this will end, but I think they must respect the decision and will of the player.”

Step 6.

Finally, and most importantly, remind everybody of how nice and respectful you have been.
Ramon Calderon (Real Madrid President):

“We have not had any discussions with Ronaldo because United said they don’t want to sell and we don’t want to be disrespectful to them. We will only do what United want to do with the player.”

Txiki Begiristain (Barcelona Sporting Director):

“The player has shown his will to come to Barca, but we will not do anything until Arsenal want to negotiate. We have the will of the player to come to Barcelona, but what we won’t do is start to negotiate without Arsenal until an agreement is reached. Cesc has a contract with his club and we will be very respectful.”

Coming Soon: Step 7 – Unveiling the player.

You can read more of Kevyn’s posts on his blog, Nothing More Than A Consolation Goal.

The Author

Kevyn Doran

Increasingly bored Economics graduate who dabbles in sports writing.

One thought on “Spot The Difference

  1. Not something like our usual stuff, but I found this to be brilliant.

    Nice job, Kevyn, I guess Barcelona aren’t so angelic after all.

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