The Trophy Cabinet

by Eamonn Power

With the country seemingly going down the pan, and one politician worse than the other maybe there are other answers out there.

Eamonn Power looks to the footballing world for inspiration as to how we could freshen up some of our top political posts and bring back the good times.

Taoiseach: Jose Mourinho

A stubborn, yet talented leader who can be relied upon to quickly work his magic and rekindle the glory days of a struggling former giant. Charismatic, opinionated and respected by both his opponents and the media…. is there anything else we can ask for in our main man? His charm, wit and physical appearance also represent a significant upgrade to what we currently have, although his Armani jackets may prove a stretch on our finances right now. Can be trusted not to stay up til four in the morning drinking, telling jokes and singing and then appearing on national radio hours later as well, a big plus for the figure head of a country.

Minister for Finance: Arsene Wenger

What this country needs right now (apart from a massive loan/bailout apparently) is a person in charge of the purse-strings who can be relied upon to stand tough in the face of calls for radical investment, no matter how obvious it may appear to be. History of shrewd financial planning, investment and management with his patience being rewarded, not always with top honours, but with consistently impressive performances and growth.

Minister for Health and Children: Alex Ferguson

A seasoned warrior who can be trusted to regenerate a stale and outdated system. Capable of turning a reported 6 week layoff into an inconsequence in a matter of days and curing widespread viruses in minutes. Who else better to clear up waiting lists and get our patients off their trolleys and back in action?  Furthermore, his experience in promoting success with “kids” could prove invaluable in ensuring the highest level of development for the next generation.

Minister for Enterprise, Trade and Innovation: Sven Goran Eriksson

The leader of a department recently re-branded from “Enterprise, Trade and Employment”, Sven is a master of dealing with foreign investors, trading assets as well as seemingly securing job, after job after job regardless of performance. An essential skill he could bring to the disenchanted workforce of today.

Minister for Defence: Roberto Mancini

Some say the best form of defence is attack. Not Roberto, for him, the best form of defence is more defence. In a country not renowned for our military prowess, attacking others is far from our top priority. What we need is a man who eats, sleeps and drinks defensive strategy, so that even in the off chance we encounter the advances of a superpower we’ll be able to nullify their advances to a boring non-event. We might even be able to snatch a sneaky counter strike victory. Unlikely, however.

Minister for Education and Skills: Cristiano Ronaldo

What he no doubt lacks in education, he could make up in skills.. Every country needs skills and tekkers don’t come much more unbelievable than Cristiano’s. His agent Jorge Mendes’ affinity for demanding high fees may prove an issue to college students however. Getting CR7 to agree to a junket of the countries student unions where he could throw out cans of brylcreem and wink at the odd female while taking his shirt off is likely to appease them all the same.

Minister for Social Protection: Rafa Benitez

If Rafa could ensure that everyone who lost their jobs could also get a reported £3-6m payoff just like he did, maybe the dole queues mightn’t be quite as long.

Minister for (foreign) affairs: Peter Crouch, Wayne Rooney, John Terry. Take your pick.

A cheap shot, admittedly.

Minister for Enterprise, Trade and Innovation: Sven Goran Eriksson

The leader of a department recently re-branded from “Enterprise, Trade and Employment”, Sven is a master of dealing with foreign investors, trading assets as well as seemingly securing job, after job after job regardless of performance. An essential skill he could bring to the disenchanted workforce of today.

1 Response

  1. Neil Sherwin Neil Sherwin says:

    Minister for Finance could easily go to Sven. Moves from place to place doing absolutely feck all and leaves with millions in the bank.

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