Newcastle United – A rough guide to being “Pardewed”

In the modern world that we now live in, it seems that more and more new words are being created to suit our hectic, on-line lives and are gradually seeping into our subconscious.

These days, ridiculous as it may seem, but words like onesie, gastropub, selfie and chillax can now not only be heard on the street, but also found in the Collin’s English Dictionary.

On the streets of Newcastle however, another new word has been created; one that you won’t find in the dictionary – not yet anyway. Over the last couple of years, as the fortunes of the city’s one and only football club have slowly started to unravel under the stewardship of Alan Pardew, a new verb has fallen into the Geordie public’s psyche.

 

A verb used to describe a footballer who was once decent – but is inexplicably now rubbish. Or perhaps someone with bags of potential who has mysteriously failed to develop into the player he was seemingly destined to become. That verb: To be “Pardewed”.

Describing a player as being “Pardewed” is now commonplace in Newcastle. The word itself is used almost as frequently as “goal” or “shambles” on Tyneside.

So just what does being “Pardewed” entail exactly? How does it happen and what poor souls have been stricken this terrible new affliction?! Well as far as I can tell, there are four main ways that our beloved Alan can condemn a footballer to the awful perils of being “Pardewed”.

Turning good players bad

The man once hilariously dubbed Pardiola seems to possess the uncanny knack of zapping the talent from some of his best players. Alan Pardew has the incredible ability of taking a talented Premier League player at the top of his game, and turning him to utter crap.

Whatever the hell Alan says to them when he gets his hands on them on the training ground, it sure works. Before long even the most supremely talented players are soon reduced to sub-standard benchwarmers once Alan’s through with them.

Examples: Papiss Cisse, Hatem Ben Arfa, Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa, Sylvain Marveaux, Tim Krul (harsh but I feel he’s going backwards).

Failure to develop young talent

If you are currently a young footballer on the cusp of the first team at Newcastle United, be afraid, be very afraid. Over the last few years Newcastle’s youth and reserve teams have apparently been filled with some of the most exciting young talent in the Premier League.

Yet rather strangely, very few are making that final leap into the first team. Youngsters who we are told have the world at their feet, burst through the Newcastle ranks like a steam train before slamming into a developmental brick wall once Pardew gets his hands on them. Of course some will be down to their own failings, but there just seem far too many failures for it to be coincidence these days.

Examples: Haris Vuckic, Sammy Ameobi, Adam Campbell, Mehdi Abeid, Gael Bigirimana, Shane Ferguson.

Benching world class talent in favour of journeymen

One of Alan’s real specialities is his supreme in ability to mismanage genuinely world class players if they have the misfortune to fall under his stewardship. Most notoriously of all, during his West Ham days, Pardew struggled to find places in his team for Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano.

Staggeringly both were seemingly deemed not good enough to displace Marlon Harewood and Hayden Mullins in Pard’s line-up. It’s a trend he has maintained to the current day. This season Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa has been playing regular Champions League football on-loan at Roma, but was apparently not good enough to oust Mike Williamson from the Newcastle team.

And of course after failing to manage Newcastle’s most talented player, Hatem Ben Arfa, Alan decide to offload him to Hull in favour of sticking with Yoan Gouffran and Gabriel Obertan.

Examples: Carlos Tevez, Javier Mascherano, Hatem Ben Arfa, Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa.

Consistently playing players out of position

I’m not quite sure what goes through Alan’s head on this one, but for some reason Pardew just loves playing players out of position – particularly left backs! The crux of Pardew’s problem comes from the fact that he has his favourites, and come hell or high water he will fit them into his team somewhere or other.

Over the last couple of years it has not been unusual to see striker Papiss Cisse hung out to dry on the left wing, centre-midfielder Moussa Sissoko on the right-wing, central defender Yanga-Mbiwa at left-back, or even left-back Davide Santon in centre midfield. I literally could go on and on.

Examples: Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa, Moussa Sissoko, Davide Santon, Papiss Cisse, Vurnon Anita.

As Alan seems hell bent on not resigning and getting his juicy pay-off from Mike Ashley, tragically it now seems that it is only a matter of time before the next batch of poor souls are condemned to playing under Pardew’s stewardship.

Some, like Yohan Cabaye or Demba Ba, may prove too powerful and may be able to resist his appalling management. Sadly others, like Ben Arfa or Yanga-Mbiwa will not be so lucky.

As a Newcastle fan I genuinely worry about the Newcastle careers of Remy Cabella, Adam Armstrong, Rolando Aarons and Jack Colback amongst others.

So next time you see Alan gesticulating, grinning (or head-butting someone) on the touchline, spare a thought for those poor souls under his command on the pitch, anyone of them could unwittingly be the next one to be “Pardewed”.

Author Details

Jonathan Anderson
Jonathan Anderson

A wonderful man. Hero of the North. Devoted Son, Fiancé, Uncle, Brother. Lover of all sports but a Football man first and foremost. A long suffering Newcastle United fan due to some heinous offence crime committed in a former life. Master of Maps by trade, I write as a way of venting the overflow of thoughts that fill my head on a daily basis; if I don’t let ‘em out my head may explode. My views are my own and usually born of some kind of football based frustration; if you dig it and you agree, awesome, high five! If not, well, let’s not lose any sleep, chances are we’ll never meet anyway.

4 thoughts on “Newcastle United – A rough guide to being “Pardewed”

  1. Pardew did actually play Tevez at West Ham, it was Mascherano who was on the bench more. The thing is that he made Tevez play on the wing in a 4-4-2 formation to accomodate Harewood and almost ‘Pardewed’ him.

  2. Just to add to my previous comment, when Curbishley came into West Ham, he played Tevez properly as a kind of second striker, he was ‘unpardewed,’ the goals eventually started to flow and West Ham just made it

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