Just enough plausibilty to be seductive

The Times DFLSo it turns out The Times was ‘duped.’ An invented story with “just enough plausibility to be seductive” managed to make it into their newspaper much to the embarrassment of Oliver Kay and editor Tony Evans. Not wanting to embarrass those involved any further here are just some (equally seductive) proposals they may want to look out for, look into and weigh up, before putting them out to their readers.

Match 39 to be played on the moon

While the suggestion of extending the football season with the addition of a 39th league game to be played in America originally provoked a furious reaction amongst fans, this anger has often been misinterpreted to be due to the public’s disapproval of a ‘regular season’ game being taken to American soil. However, it has since emerged from a series of intriguing e-mails that the problem was in fact with the short sightedness of the suggestion, not maximising the possible profit revenues. Multiple fan groups, who have chosen to rename nameless (and thus untraceable) have in fact made it clear they wish the 39th game proposal was actually taken a step further by sponsors – and in to outer space. The 39th Moon Game Proposal intends to charter space flights (German space travel will obviously be around 653% cheaper than their English counterparts) to a lunar game. Revenues for the clubs will be huge with fans expected to shell out a fortune on their club’s Space Kits before travelling to a purpose built Moon Stadium, except Newcastle fans who plan to travel topless, despite the certainty of death.

Linesmen to be fitted with laser eyes

In the face of increasing criticism from all quarters, the FA has given the green light to have all Referee’s Assistants fitted with laser beams in their eyes. The beams, once fitted, will project a huge, fluorescent beam across the pitch allowing officials to determine (with 100% certainty) whether or not a player is offside. The scheme is set to be implemented within the year despite concerns raised at a trial in Belarus in which an official with a twitch caused 64 epileptic fits in a cup final – a match which also saw half the crowd leave early because they thought they had attended a Pink Floyd tribute concert by mistake.

Penalty area trap doors

All Premier League grounds are to be fitted with a secret trap door to be placed anywhere on the pitch according to the wishes of the particular club manager. The trap door can be used only twice a season and is activated by a small switch in the manager’s sleeve. The door will have a sponge interior to prevent injuries but some sort of custard pie lining will be allowed for maximum amusement.

International Possession Tournament

A tournament devised by Elite Development Wing Sponsored By Pizza Hut leader Gareth Southgate in which each percent of possession is transferred immediately into possession points. A goal will count as 100 possession points and the game will end any time a team achieves 100% possession over their opponents which, due to a lack of foresight, will be as soon as one team kicks off the match. England still lose on penalties.

The Balloon Boot (Ball, and Pitch)

Outraged by this weekend’s horror tackle by Callum McManaman, a leading ex-player has developed the ‘Balloon Boot.’ The Balloon Boot instantly bursts when it comes into contact with a specially designed spiked sock, spraying antiseptic and launching a magic sponge within a five metre radius to prevent the chances of career threatening injuries. The Balloon Boot also requires the purchase of a Balloon Ball and Balloon Gloves and suggests the use of a Bouncy Castle Pitch for guaranteed safety.

Teleportation substitutes to prevent time wasting

FIFA, in consultation with NASA, are hoping to develop a Teleportation Substitution System (TSS) in time for the 2031 Moon Cup. Teams will still be limited to a maximum of three substitutes per game but will be able to make them instantaneously – limiting the effect of time wasting in big matches with the added bonus of making even the most drab 0-0 mildly exciting. Players with a fear of flying will sadly be forced to retire from the game, or forced to dig a tunnel under the pitch from which they can ‘pop up’ when required to enter the field of play. These players will simply become known as ‘Mole Men.’

England guest manager

After success on shows such as ‘Have I Got News For You’ and ‘Never Mind The Buzzcocks’ the FA have decided to appoint several ‘guest managers’ to replace Roy Hodgson. The public will be allowed to vote on a shortlist in an accompanying Reality TV show with a panel of judges including Graham Taylor, Terry Venables, Simon Cowell and Gazza. Managers will be voted off if their approval rating falls below 74 Lager Tops on the National Pintometer and the series starts all over again.

So, Oliver and colleagues, just a few ideas you may want to be on the lookout for should they arrive on your desk any time in the near future. Oh, and that e-mail about the unclaimed millions? The one that just needs your sort code? Hit ‘delete’ lads. I know. Honestly, I know someone who tried…

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J Peterman

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