2013/14 Preview – next season’s most detestable face

by J Peterman

Jack Wilshere ArsenalYour season starts here!

Of course it doesn’t, it starts in August like everybody else’s. Or possibly a bit later if you’re on holiday. Probably a lot later if you support David Moyes’ Manchester United (zing!) Nevertheless, in the spirit of all things pre-season, your build up to the 2013/14 starts (or continues, if you have read any other preview type things) here. On these actual lines!

I’ll leave the tactical previews, transfer analysis and predicted league standings  to others and dive straight in with the runners and riders (complete with odds) for the 2013/14 ‘Most underrated punchable player of the season (without Luis Suarez).’

Jack Wilshere

What can be said about Jack Wilshere that has not been said already? Everything it transpires because all that has ever been said about him is how he is the next great England hope. While doubts remain about his fitness, one thing cannot be doubted – the lad is an absolute gobshite of the highest order and an outstanding candidate to be one of the most detestable players of the upcoming season. Without even taking into account his on field behaviour, Wilshere has got the kind of Grange Hill face you love to hate. He was undoubtedly the kid at school who spent about three years mouthing off to anyone who would listen until somebody, one day, just thought ‘hang on, why are we all putting up with this tennis ball headed dried prune?’ before promptly hitting him – but only the once, before Wilshere got a chance to storm off, tongue in cheek, telling everyone in earshot that it was ‘a fart’s punch.’

But hey, don’t judge a book by his cover. Instead, open up Wilshere’s Bbok and take your pick from any number of chapters of absolute top class snidery. Chapter 1 – “Screaming in the face of a referee”, Chapter 2 – “Over the top, vicious tackles hiding behind ‘Youthful Exuberance and Naivety'”, Chapter 3 – “Tweets About Tottenham (I Care Lads, Really!)”, and the afterword “I Played Well For Half an Hour Against Barcelona”.

Wilshere is the (snarling, incredulous at nothing) face of Arsene Wenger’s Arsenal. Talented but a vicious, devious, whingeing, cheating arsehole.

Odds: 7/4

Kyle Walker

‘The Prembot v2.0 comes with ridiculous tattoo, unexplainable shaving line and unwarranted international recognition’. Ladies and gentlemen, the latest from the production line of absolute tossers – Kyle Walker. Unlike Wilshere, Walker hasn’t really got nearly enough talent to even come close to getting away with being such an unbearable presence on the football field. Some of his performances are laughably bad, almost as laughable as his clearly inflated ego.  During last season, Walker managed to unlock the ‘England international mashed up gnarling face’ feature as well as top scoring in the ‘squeaky yelps caught by microphones’ charts. If further evidence was needed, he’s started to develop a ‘range’ of haircuts and counts Dani Alves as a hero. You might need to get off the floor and back on your chair and read that last bit again. Dani Alves. Hero.

Odds 5/1

Phil Jones

There’s a pattern developing here. English? Check. Young? Check. Part of the soon to be branded ‘Jubilee Generation?’ Check. Another referee chasing expert who can fill in at United in a number of roles but there is absolutely  no doubting where he excels most – his position of most ham faced character to ever appear on television. Including Peppa Pig’s dad. Jones’ presence in this list mainly stems from the fact that he causes too much of a distraction when on the pitch. His performances are bad enough but after one glimpse of him it is impossible to focus on the rest of the match taking place, as all your attention switches to what it is exactly that he looks like. Below is my definitive list of Phil Jones lookalikes from 2013:

  • A sweaty piggy bank
  • Mr Sheen’s crustacean brother
  • Sunburnt gammon
  • Anaemic Morph
  • Head of Crab Sticks at Bacon University
  • Infuriated crackling
  • An overly flavoured prawn cocktail quaver
  • Raw mince in its first day at college

Jones also rivals ex-United ‘Glovesman’ (that’s been used this season, goalkeeper fans!) Edwin Van Der Saar in the most unwarranted, anguished face puller to ever grace a football pitch. Infuriating in every way.

Odds – 2/1

Charlie Adam

Amateur footballer with ideas above his incredibly low station. Prone to shouting and bad tackles. Enjoys ‘banter’ with ‘the lads’ and tweets about it. May not be seen enough to feature.

Odds 45/1

Kevin Nolan

Pipped his friend  (enough evidence in this friend choice alone) and fellow horrible footballer Ryan (factory reject boyband doll) Taylor to feature as the last contender for this award. It’s bad enough that Nolan chicken dances his way through all his (shite) goals. It’s bad enough that he has managed to worm his way into captaining more than one football team but ultimately, as with Wilshere, Nolan features because he is prone to absolute horror tackles and referee bothering within the space of two irony free seconds (for evidence see him complaining about Victor Anichebe being down injured after he had nearly took his leg off). With Andy Carroll back at West Ham, his beaming face on the shoulders of the £35 million pound man will be an image etched on all our retinas for much of 2013/14. Horrible, and looks like he would absolutely reek of BO on a night out. ‘Another blue WKD lads?’

Odds 11/2

All odds correct at time of typing.

4 Responses

  1. Hersch says:

    what’s your problem with wilshire, he isn’t that bad. Heard he is as thick as s*** in real life though from someone who knows him, but i think you could throw that in the face of most footballers. Either way, El hadj Diouf he ain’t.

  2. Hersch says:

    I read the rest, you’re an arsehole.

    1. J Peterman says:

      He’s the ultimate football snide. Dirty, cheating, constantly berating referees and, worst of all, never gets pulled on it because he’s an England international and players under Wenger. A perfect replacement for the equally horrible Fabregas.

  3. Steven Roast says:

    Ha, ha! Spot on with your Wilshere assessment! a thoroughly dislikeable individual who has managed to slip under the radar. More time on the side-lines injured than in the side and he’s not even 21! The answer to England’s problems?? I think not!!

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